the hanged man
Inviting a change in perspective
I was on my way to a party a few weeks ago, when a friend offered to pull some tarot cards before we left. When I pulled mine and saw the image, my blood froze. It didn’t look like it would be good news.
“Oh, you got the hanged man!” she explained.
“That sounds awful,” I said.
“No,” she assured me. “It’s more about a change in perspective.”
I learned that the card symbolizes patience, and a necessary pause. It represents a willingness to endure discomfort, suspend action, and see things differently to achieve transformation. A person willingly hanging upside-down suggests self-sacrifice, contemplation, and a surrender to a new truth or understanding.
The card was very tiny, so I put it away in my wallet, and forgot about it, until it fell out a few days ago.
In the moment, I couldn’t relate to this card. But now, it feels more resonant than ever.
Over the past few years, I’ve fallen into a bit of an unusual rhythm. I’ll stay in New York for as long as I need to, depending on what my eye doctors will say about my health, or what MS doctors will say, and once I’m stable and in the clear, I’ll leave and travel and enjoy my moments of freedom. It’s been quite literally a fight and then (book) a flight response pattern.
But constantly subletting and living out of a bag has worn me out, and I’ve gotten tired of running. So, this year I am really trying to do things differently, because I want more stability, even though the concept feels foreign to me.
So, I’ve been furnishing my new apartment, and staying in one place. Because although suddenly not being in motion feels uncomfortable, I’m trying to force myself to lean into that discomfort and see what comes from it.
A part of me feels strange to stay here when I’m healthy. Thankfully, my eyes have been doing better, and there are no issues with my MS, so this is usually my cue to leave.
But I want to see what can grow and change when I stay rooted, and see the world from a new perspective of stillness, rather than constant motion. I want to see how I can learn and grow, when I able to focus more on community building and work and relationships, without always being afraid of time running out.
Maybe going upside down is what I needed all along. But only time and patience will tell.
Love,
Julia
Hi, Julia. I’m John Mintz, a student of the prophet called Rav Jericho Vincent, & a TotS member; a subscriber of yours. A married father w a daughter your age, retired professional guy outside DC. m.s. for 18 yrs. You’re a gorgeous writer. Dancing w Grief, the hanged man. In every line, I get you & your recovery, cuz I’ve been in all your places. I’m so sorry you’re dealing w vision challenges. Mine is intense dizziness, no pause for 18 yrs, to now. Six years ago, via breathing, guided meditation, cannabis & etc, I … well, I healed myself. Dizziness is fun now. I dance with it. Other healings, openings. As you said, “a change in perspective” can lead to transformation. & you’re healing yourself … w incredible music! Hey, I’m coming to TotS’s Oct 11 havdalah, and hope to meet you, maybe after. I won’t get you out of your DJ vision zone. I’ll be the one ecstatically dancing while sometimes holding onto a chair.