Surrendering to the Waves

On releasing control and letting the universe decide.

Two weeks ago, I was really struggling. It had been two weeks since my eye surgery, and I still couldn’t see out of my left eye, making me to feel disoriented wherever I went. A black cloud blocked everything in view, and I found it hard to adjust to this new way of seeing the world.

On top of that, all my plans I had made for the month were once again cancelled due to my health issues. I was mourning my vision, my health, my freedom. I felt so lost in my grief.

At a birthday party, a friend asked how I was doing. “Honestly, not good,” I told her. “I feel like I’m drowning.” Just then, I started to cry.

Art by Henn Kin

She looked, understandably, concerned.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked.

But I truly didn’t know. There was nothing anyone could do, so what could I ask for? Since surgery, I had been isolating myself more than usual. I wanted to be alone to process everything that was happening, but also I was scared to share this depression with others. To let them see this part of me.

As if she read my mind, she went on. “We love all the versions of Julia. The sad ones, too.”

I didn’t know to ask for it, but that was exactly what I needed. Someone to assure me that they would still be there to witness these sad parts of me, that they wouldn’t be too much. It’s a constant practice, but I want to be better at asking for support when I need it, and give people the chance to show up, before telling myself they won’t be able to.

Now that I’ve had more time, I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I feel like I’m bobbing in the water, and letting the waves take me wherever they choose. It’s a strange thing, to hold off all plans and base your life around only a doctor’s directions. All sense of control is lost.

And then, a shift happened when I decided to surrender to the flow, and not plan a single thing. Instead of seeing it as a negative, I would see it as a new approach. It’s allowed me to be more present with where I am and fully exist there, instead of being lost in thoughts of the future.

Art by Victoria Obolensky

In a way, this is how I live when I travel, which is why I love it so much. The difference is that when I live this way, it is my choice, rather than it being decided for me by my doctors. But still, the end result is the same. When you surrender control, magic happens. New opportunities arise that never could have occurred before.

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A few days ago, I was kayaking on the water. I was upstate for the weekend with some friends, who had rented an entire summer camp. There were 30 or so of us there. One afternoon, I kayaked on the lake with M, who I had just met the night before. I could sense he was flirting with me, and then, when we set down our kayak paddles in the middle of the lake to admire a bald eagle flying overhead, he asked if he could kiss me. I told him he could, but then nothing happened.

“Uh, you’re gonna have to meet me halfway or I’m gonna tip over.”

We were both in single kayaks. I saw his point. I moved closer.