The next day, we departed for Komodo Island. From Lombok, we would take a four day boat ride to eventually see the famed Komodo dragons. They currently only exist in certain parts of Indonesia, and everything I learned about them was generally pretty terrifying. 1) When it bites its prey, the bacteria and venom in its saliva will kill the prey within a few days. After the animal dies, which can take up to four days, the Komodo uses its sense of smell to eventually locate the body. 2) Baby Komodo dragons are often eaten by their parents. In fact, 10 percent of an adult dragon’s diet is from consuming its species' young ones... 3) Komodo dragons are super fast, running up to 13 mph, and can catch you easily. However, I heard the boat ride would be fun and snacks would be included daily, so why not check it out! And off we went.
But as excited as I was for the trip, one issue was that there was no fridge on this boat, and as loyal readers will remember, I needed one to keep my eye drops cold or they would expire. I debated if I should go, but then decided to find a cooler to keep them cold.
However, the island I was on was so small that after an hour of asking around, I realized they did not sell coolers anywhere. Then, one day, a man was trying to sell me a necklace on the beach when I asked him if he had a cooler instead. He said he did not…but he could take a boat to another bigger island to get one. And just like that, to my amazement, the man selling necklaces to me on the beach ended up finding me a cooler for my eye drops. We Whatsapped as he went to the market the next day to look at all the coolers, then came back the next day right before the boat left for my journey. I couldn’t believe it had come together in this bizarre way, but was deeply grateful for this man’s help, since it meant I could go!
The first day of the trip was one of the best of my life. First, I woke up to see the sunrise, as I would every morning. I always love the stillness of sunrise, this feeling that the rest of the world is still asleep and it’s just you and nature and nothing else. Since I meditated with the monks in Thailand in February, I had gotten into the habit of meditating every morning, then focusing on what I was grateful for. It was a practice that had consistently carried me through my whole trip.
Then, at around 9am, we found whale sharks and got to swim with them for an hour. I had never seen a whale shark before, and it is the most striking creature I have ever seen. There was a moment after everyone had returned to the boat, and it was just me and this one lingering whale shark swimming before me. I was completely in awe, and all I could think was, I can’t believe this is my life. Nothing about it felt real.
Later that afternoon, we were told that there would be a hybrid solar eclipse, causing a rare sort of solar eclipse seen from a narrow path through the southern hemisphere. A group of people on the boat already knew about this, and brought eclipse glasses for this moment.
Then, as the sun set, a group of dolphins swam beside our boat, alongside flying fish. At night, I sat lying on the top of the boat underneath the stars, able to see the Milky Way. It was the brightest, clearest sky I have ever seen. I was overwhelmed with joy.
But throughout this trip, I was constantly worrying about my eye drops. Sometimes I would open the cooler to see all the ice had melted, and I would panic. The crew wouldn’t be sure when we would reach land again and be able to buy more ice. Thankfully, I was able to keep it cold most of the time, although there were some close calls.
While I hated needing to constantly deal with this each day, I knew by now that traveling with an autoimmune condition meant a lot of extra planning, and always being conscious of your medications. All in all, it still meant I was able to travel.
I thought back to before my trip, how terrified I was to leave because I was worried something would go wrong, or I would run out of medication. But then I found that while it took a lot preparation, I was always able to figure it out and make it work. I say all this not because I think writing about melting ice is all that interesting, but mainly because if you are anxious about traveling with an autoimmune or any kind of medical condition, there are ways to do it that are still safe and responsible. Just a small reminder to not let fear of the unknown or worrying about worst case scenarios be the reason you don’t take the leap ❤️
But besides all the amazing aquatic life and melting icecapades, on the second day of the trip I had a strange encounter with a Dutch guy on the boat. The first day, I noticed him flirting with me, and then on the second day, saw he had become standoffish and cold.
I decided to be upfront and ask him what had changed. He paused, and then told me that on the first day he thought I was very beautiful and had a great personality. But then when we got on the boat and I got into my bathing suit, he noticed I had armpit hair and he was no longer interested. Maybe I was a “feminist or something” but it was not for him. Also, I wasn’t as skinny as the other girls on the boat.
I was, well, pretty shocked. I had never been spoken to like this. And the fact that arm pit hair was this offensive to someone was ridiculous to me. I had started growing it out since Shambala, the music festival in Thailand I went to in February. Most people there did not shave their body hair. In fact, most people did not shower. And I loved how not shaving made me feel. I didn’t need to bend to any beauty standards for other people. I could just live freely, and not care.
But this wasn’t the first time a guy had commented on my armpit hair while traveling. An Israeli guy I met on Koh Phangan told me I’d be “much prettier if I shaved.” I know men famously love to tell women what to do with their bodies, but it still feels pretty fucking awful!
Being told to my face that I also wasn’t skinny enough didn’t wasn’t great either. I was already feeling down recently - I had been back in Bali for a month, and still didn’t feel myself and wasn’t sure why. Something just felt off. I was anxious and tired more than usual, and had already been feeling self-conscious. So when this all happened, I walked away, dumbstruck, and let it fester inside me. It all made me feel even worse. Had I been gaining too much weight? I looked at photos of myself on my trip that I liked before. Now I winced, looking at them. I hated that I had let him get inside my head. Just the day before, I climbed a mountain barefoot. I was so proud of how strong I had become. I was used to feeling grateful for my body, not shaming it.
Looking back, I didn’t have the strength to fight back because I was already feeling lost. Now, I hate that I ever let him speak to me that way. But it’s also a reminder that I was giving the wrong kind of person my attention and energy in the first place. And anyone who is that turned off by body hair or would make someone feel badly about their weight isn’t someone I ever want to waste time on.
The next day, as I sat and watched the sunrise, I decided I would not go to Nepal. I deeply desired to deepen my knowledge of Buddhism and my meditation practice, to feel this inner stillness, but I didn’t feel ready to leave Indonesia yet. It still felt like there was more for me to learn here, more ways for me to grow.
Later that day, I checked my phone. I didn’t expect much because there was barely any reception, but occasionally a text or email would come through. When I looked, I saw that I had received an email from the monastery in Nepal- the teacher I was meant to study with, Lama Zopa Rinpoche, had suddenly passed away. The course was cancelled.
I was shocked and deeply saddened I would never have the chance to learn from him. But maybe I was not meant to go to Nepal after all, at least not now.
On our final day, we saw the Komodo dragons and I am happy to announce I did not get killed! (spoiler) and arrived back on the boat safely! I did get made fun of mercilessly for this bucket hat I bought, but that was the worst of it.
When we finally docked in Labuan Bajo after the four days, I wasn’t feeling great. I figured it was from being on a boat with 30 people and feeling exhausted from getting up for sunrise every morning.
I told myself I just needed to sleep it off. We checked into a home stay run by a kind Indonesian family, but after getting some sleep, I only felt worse the next day. We were supposed to fly back to Bali the following day (we were on a more remote part of Indonesia, and it would take an hour and a half to fly to Bali). But on the morning of my flight, I felt horrible. I wanted to check if I had a fever but couldn’t find a thermometer in town anywhere. As my friends prepared their bags for the airport, I realized I couldn’t stand. I told them to go on without me. I would have to miss my flight and wait until I was better. I didn’t know what was wrong, just that I couldn’t go.
After my friends flew back to Bali, I now knew two people on this island. The first was an Indonesian named Taituju who hung around the home stay, smoking cigarettes and playing instruments.
I am still not totally clear on what he did there. I think he ran tours throughout the island and also had an art shop and dance company. He wore many hats, both figuratively and literally (he made his own hats and wore a different one every day). When my friends left, he assured me he would take care of me. He gave me a water blessing and told me that should do the trick, but I only got worse. I told him I was thankful for the blessing, but could we see a doctor also, please?
The one other person left at the home stay that I knew was an Australian woman named Selina. She was there traveling with her Italian husband and kids throughout Indonesia. We had spoken briefly over breakfast the day before, and I found her life to be so inspiring. To travel this way with their kids and explore the world made me excited to do the same one day. It reminded me that there is never any one way to live, or to raise kids. And learning about the different ways people all over the world choose to live their lives in the way that makes them happy and feeds their soul no matter how unusual it may seem to others just encourages me to keep doing the same.
After my water blessing, I stumbled downstairs, delirious. I ran into Selina, who was eating breakfast. She took one look at me and told me I didn’t look good. Maybe I had Covid? Did I have a fever? I told her I had no idea because not a single pharmacy had a thermometer. Finally, I begged Taituju to take me to the hospital. He agreed and we rode there, with a new hat in tow (even in times of crisis, he had style).
We arrived at the hospital, and within an hour they told me I had a very high fever and Covid. The doctor recommended I stay in the hospital for two nights so they could hydrate me with an IV and observe me to make sure my symptoms didn’t worsen. I was placed in a wheelchair and taken to a hospital room. Taituju told me he would go back home and bring me my things.
I was thankful to start getting medical care so I could get better, but being in that hospital was a surreal, lonely experience. I was put in isolation because of Covid, and they told me they’d place me in the foreigners wing. But one day they wheeled me down the hall and I noticed… no one was there. I asked them where all the foreigners were, and they said I was the only one. No foreigners usually came to this hospital.
Beyond feeling lonely, it was difficult being there because the nurses and doctors did not really speak English. Most of our communication had to be put into Google Translate. They would give me medication all day, but when I asked what they were giving me, especially to make sure it was okay to take with my eye medication, they would just respond, “You have Covid 19,” to every question. Eventually, I just gave up and hoped it would be okay. When I tried to call family and friends, the hospital did not have good service, but I would take all the broken up phone calls I could get. As I stayed, the doctor told me I wasn’t getting better and wanted to keep me there longer. The next day, they took me for an X-ray and confirmed I had pneumonia. They wanted to keep me under observation so that there wouldn’t be any lung damage. I couldn’t fly back to Bali in this condition.
As I stayed there, I gradually started feeling pretty depressed. I missed the whale sharks and sunlight and people. Taituju, my only friend, had gone from kind to creepy. He called and texted me every day telling me how much he loved me, and how I should stay in Indonesia forever with him. One night, a nurse gave me my medication and then told me in broken English that everyone in the hospital thought I was annoying and avoided my room so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. I cried. I was already sick and alone, and now the hospital nurses hated me for some reason, too?! What the fuck was going on?
When the doctor came in the next morning, I told him I felt uncomfortable being at the hospital where the nurses apparently didn’t want to help me. But he just laughed at me and told me the nurse would never say that. I was starting to feel a little crazy.
Not to mention, being stuck in a hospital is very triggering tor me. I had spent enough time in hospitals this past year, and the usual feelings began to rush back. Here you are, sick again. Why are you always sick? I sat there in the dark, being down on myself for wasting this precious time abroad. I began worrying about the hospital bills, blaming myself. I tried so hard to be more aware of it and stop it, to tell myself everyone gets Covid. I should be grateful I was getting medical attention. I would be better soon, this wasn’t my fault. But the lonelier I felt, the harder on myself I was.
And then, one day, I received a text. It was from Selina, the Australian woman I had met briefly at the home stay. She had gotten my number and asked me how I was doing. I was shocked and told her, well, I wasn’t doing great. She told me that while she had left the island and gone back to Bali, she had an Indonesian friend named Beauty who lived nearby and wanted to help me. Did I need any food or clothes to make me more comfortable? She has traveled solo in her twenties and knew how scary it was to be left alone when sick.
I wept with joy. I was so touched by their generosity and kindness. Within a day, Beauty dropped off food from the outside world, put money on my Indonesian SIM card so I could call friends and family, and even dropped off my laundry (all my clothes were still damp and gross from the boat and I felt disgusting). Within a day, I was a new person- I had fresh clothes, I could speak to friends without the call ending abruptly. I had a brief break from hospital food. I FaceTimed with my friend Amanda and we did stretches on the floor. She urged me to get my strength back, to get out of there as soon as I could. I focused all my energy on getting better, rather than staying in this dark, negative place. Finally, after a week, the hospital told me I could go, but I should not fly until my coughing was gone. They were still worried about the pneumonia.
I agreed and checked into a hotel nearby where I would rest, and at least be out of the hospital. I assumed I’d be ready to go right away, but I was still wiped. I felt so low energy and slept most days. When I was up, I’d call friends or FaceTime with family. My parents and siblings were all together in Paris for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I felt so homesick and missed them all deeply. I wished I could be with them. But I could barely move. It took all my energy just to get dressed and go for a small walk.
I wondered if maybe it was time to leave Indonesia. I has been gone since January, and felt so depleted. By now it was early May. I didn’t want to keep pushing myself. Maybe this was my body telling me to rest and go home. I continued sleeping and resting, barely going outside.
One day, when I had more energy, someone at the hotel informed me they offered a boat ride that was only ten minutes long and would take me to a small part of the island with a free picnic to watch the sunset. That sounded nice and pretty low commitment, and I had done absolutely nothing but sleep the entire week. I told them I would go, On the boat it was me and one other couple going for their romantic sunset picnic. While I thought it would be weird because the couple would want this boat to themselves, it was weird for a completely different reason— The woman was an influencer and there only for the photos. I knew this because we started making conversation for about five minutes, when she stopped me and said, “Sorry if the rest of this ride is weird, but I need photos of this boat ride.” And then her boyfriend dutifully got into position as she posed away, and let me tell you, he knew all the right angles! The rest of the boat ride was completely silent as I stared out at the water, and they got all the shots they needed. What a time!
When we got to the island, there were two picnics comically set up about ten feet apart. We both awkwardly went to our separate picnics, situated just close enough that we could yell to each other and go, “Haha this is weird, feel free to come over if you want?”
Around sunset, even the guy from hotel who took us on the boat saw how uncomfortable this was. He asked me if I wanted to go tor a walk along the beach. We talked and he asked how I was liking Labuan Bajo. I told him I had seen virtually nothing except the inside of the hospital and hotel room, on account of my Covid and pneumonia. So we talked and he told me about growing up on the island, until we had to return back to the boat. He asked me if I wanted to go snorkeling tomorrow. For the first time, I felt hesitant to be in the water. Maybe from being so low energy or from being stranded on an island, but I agreed.
On the boat going back to the hotel, I was able to speak to the couple more. They were living in Canggu and flying back to Bali tomorrow. I told them everything that had happened, and as we spoke, I realized how good it felt to speak to people in person again. I had just been limiting myself to speaking to friends and family on the phone, but it was no substitute for in person interactions. I suddenly found myself starting to feel more energized. Maybe I was ready to go back.
The next day, I snorkeled with my friend from the hotel and then checked out. I was finally finished with my antibiotics, and feeling stronger. I headed to the airport with the couple after speaking to my brother on my phone. I told him how this week I essentially just slept and cried in my room, and only hung out with couples or hotel staff. He told me that pretty much sounded like Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I realized he was spot on and told this to the couple as we were walking onto the plane. The girlfriend just shook her head and went, “Oh, that’s so sad!”
Anyway, what matters is he makes a comeback and so did I! (musical pending) So back to Bali I went!
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end, and I’m sorry for the long delay on this one. It was a particularly hard one to write because it brought up some tough memories / experiences, but I think it’s important to share everything, not just the highlights. It’s all part of the journey, baby!
With that, here is a photo of Oreo off to save the world.
Love,
Julia
No glam Instagramming in Komodo Part two!! Thank you for sharing fucking Flying Dutchman, and emotional despair in COVID 19 hospital isolation. Lessons learned. Don't let other peoples bullshit get into our head!!! Look out for Angels, and Awe instead All this while navigating preparation for autoimmune travel, culminating in the no fear resolution!!! BIG JOURNEY JULIA. LOVE, LIVE, LOVE, Barbara