Embracing Our Dark Moments

Eye updates, a new year for trees, and showing more versions of ourselves.

Today, I was supposed to be in surgery.

But now, due to some changes that occurred last night, it’s going to be pushed to next Thursday instead.

I didn’t have time to tell anyone it wasn’t happening, because it all changed so fast. But this morning I still received so many texts wishing me good luck, and feel very lucky to have so much love in my life. I feel grateful for this reminder, especially when it’s been a rough time lately.

This past week, especially leading up to what I thought would be surgery day, I’ve been a mess. I can’t sleep, and don’t have much of an appetite. I’m overly emotional and sensitive, and have this quiet anger inside me that has nowhere to go, because there is no one to be angry at. No one caused this all to happen, there is no reasoning. And in a way, that makes it all even harder.

It’s not just the uncertainty that I’ve dealt with every day for the past month, in searching for answers and doctors to help me. It’s the uncertainty that lies ahead in surgery, and how I’ll recover. A surgeon yesterday said that depending on how it all goes, recovery could take anywhere from 2-3 weeks to 2-3 months. No one knows what will happen.

The other night, I was having trouble falling asleep, and I sat there lying in bed, thinking about my darkest moments and hardest experiences (now you see why I can’t sleep).

But then, I thought about how every dark moment in my life has brought in so much light and growth afterwards. If I hadn’t gone through it all, I never would have changed into the person I’ve become. Already, I feel how the pain and struggle of this month has transformed me, and I know it is just the beginning.

I am not a fan of thinking that bad things happen for a reason, because I don’t want bad things to happen to anyone. But I am trying as hard as I can to embrace this dark moment, rather than resist it, because I can acknowledge that it holds the power to teach me something about myself, my relationships, and how I view the world.

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The more emotional and anxious I get with each passing week, I more I keep warning the people around me that this isn’t who I am. This is just me under extreme stress, in survival mode.

But then, a friend reminded me, this is still another true version of myself. And that’s okay. That version can be witnessed, too.

It’s a scary thing, to show all the versions of yourself to others. But it’s an even more beautiful thing to show up and still feel accepted.

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In the Jewish calendar, today is known as Tu Bishvat, or the “new year” for trees. This day marks the season in which the earliest-blooming trees emerge from their winter sleep and begin a new fruit-bearing cycle. It signifies nature’s renewal, and a time of joy and appreciation for the transformation that lies ahead.

Every dark moment is capable of bringing in so much light afterwards, just as every winter ends with a tree beginning to bear fruit.

I know I am still in my winter, but I am going to try my best to let go of my anticipation and fears, and look forward to the spring that lies ahead.

Love,

Julia